I started writing this blog post
under the words “emozioni” emotions because I have literally been feeling like
at any given moment I have every single emotion under the sun covered, but as I
got to my second page, I realize this was less about the emotions I was feeling
and more about how I was dealing with them, how and who I was dealing with this
whole experience…
….the
past two days have pretty much had every single emotion I have had in the past
4 months….literally I was happy, stressed, sad, mad, scared, relaxed,
accomplished, proud, sappy….it was soo werid….i didn’t really do much today, or
yesterday as far as going out and doing things but I was really productive at
home….im pretty sure that Ely and Giacomo think im becoming a hermit…because
all I have done is stayed in my room for a few hours then come out and talk
with them a bit and play with Giacomino before going back into my hole haha….yesterday
I literally went to class, came home, put together a 18 page group paper,
repaired a hole in my jacket, superglued a hole in a pair of shoes (no not my
boots mom), skyped sammie, and cleaned cut and painted my nails….then was so
exhausted (and truly a little sicky feeling) I went to bed really close
following dinner….then today I got up, finished proofing the paper, wrote notes
for the presentation tomorrow, cleaned my room, packed a bit more, took down
all my pictures and put them and other things in my smash book, made note cards
for my Italian final,…seriously…I haven’t been that productive in weeks…
…yet
I did all that the past 2 days while my brain worked was I kept desperately trying
to figure out what the heck is going on inside me….i am so completely
heartbroken that I am leaving Italy in 10 days….poor little Giacomo, he has
been getting prepped apparently by ely that I am going back to my house in the
United States, but I don’t think he really gets it….he walked into my room
today and asked what my bags (the packed one in the corner) were for, and I told
him to go back to the US….he asked when I was going and I told him in 10 days…..then
he asked when I was coming home, “una settimana?” (one week ?) poor thing
thinks im just going on another trip….not that im going home home, not that
Italy isn’t my home……
…its
so werid because at one moment I am choking back tears about leaving this
amazing adventure, im leaving Italy, and this incredible family…..and one
moment im excited out of my skin to go home….i mean literally 9 days before I left
the states, I was playing with my neice gracie and trying to help her figure
out how to hold herself up when she was learning to crawl and this morning I saw
a video of her taking some of her first steps…and my oldest nephew looks like a
little boy not like an infant like his little brother, who was literally born 2
weeks before I left…..the world is passing back home as well and I am so ready
to get back and to not be missing my family and friends…its just so weird….people
ask me how I am feeling and I don’t know what to say….
…I
switch hourly between counting down the sleeps til I get to go home, and trying
to make the minutes pass slower so I can hear more of the Italian kids outside
playing under my balcony…..its funny you can see everyone going through it at
different paces too….everyone is slowly getting sad to leave, happy to go home,
and figuring out what our reasons truly were for coming here…what we have
learned, what life and experiences that we got here taught us….for me it’s the things
I knew I wanted to accomplish here….the biggest? To prove to myself that I could
do it….that I was brave enough….and I have done it, I AM doing it….im truly
living the dream…. like the other night I was listening to Defying Gravity for
probably and quite literally the 17 millionth time….(what can I say I really
really really love wicked, if my blood could run green it would…) but anyways I
was listening to it….and finally I got it…. i have always connected a song from
that show to something at that time in my life….i.e. The Wizard and I was Dyw
an learning what I was capable of , For Good was my entire senior year and all
the triumphs and battles that came with that……but I didn’t have a connection to
the most popular song of the show to my life…..until at almost 1am as I was
going to sleep I got it….i immediately wrote this to my mom….
“....its
about so much more than a girl standing up for what she believes in, its about
a girl standing up for herself and becoming what she and no one else truly
thought she could be..........”something has changed within me, something is
not the same....too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its
time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap".....that was me
leaving....remember when i was so scared because all these things i had said i
would do were actually becoming real and there was no turning back?...."i
think ill try defying gravity" i think ill try something totally scary
that few people can do...something that doesnt even seem like i should be able
to do it....something so unfathomable and unexplainable like picking up and
moving to another continent and country.....or being green.....or
flying......."im through accepting limits because someone says theyre
so"....cancer scare one week before getting on a
plane......"somethings i cannot change but until i try ill never
know"....thinking i could leave getting cancer in the past and i tried,
but god reminded me i dont control that, he does....."too long ive been
afraid of losing love, i guess ive lost, but if thats love it comes at much too
high a cost"...anytime i was in a relationship i was always afraid of
doing the wrong thing and losing them, and until josh i never truly believed
that i shouldnt be constantly afraid of losing someone because of something i
do, thats not healthy or the kind of thing or plan God would create for me, His
plan is someone who tells me im beautiful when my make up is off, im wearing my
glasses, and sick in bed...."kiss me goodbye im defying
gravity"......."unlimited, my future is unlimited, and ive just had a
vision just like a prophesy, i know it sounds truly crazy, and the vision is
hazy, but someday ill be defying gravity".....after doing this wiht all its
triumphs and fear, i can literally doing anything....this was the scariest and
most amazing and difficult and best time of my life....and i dreamed it and it
came true....i can do anything...fly.....survive anything....cancer - my
"verdigree"....and dream anything ....to see the wizard......"so
if you care to find me look to the western sky"....if youre looking for
the girl who left the US in january you wont find her,,....look to the western
sky....shes different and cant come back to be the same as she was....."as
someone told me lately everyone deserves the chance to fly".....thanks
mom...for pushing me to fly, out of st maries, away from the shelter of my
friends in boise, out of reach of the safety of my sibligs....to somewhere new,
that no one else could dream of....to do something no one knew was
possible....to cast my own spells, make my own mistakes by turning a few people
into tin.....thank you for telling me that there was more than what the wizard
told me....for telling me that "no one can bring me down.."
….see, im at that point, where I know
its all coming to a close and its time to make sure that it was worth it and
look back at the girl who came here in January and see how she has changed and
grown into who she is now…..and to be honest, its become sooooo apparent in the
past two days that even though I am 5500 miles away, that evolution is still
being molded by my mommy….my dad, siblings, friends, and boyfriend…they’ve all
been there for me during this trip when I needed their love and support, but
mom has been my life line….the one who validated my fears, told me I was missed
but that being here was worth every missed moment, that what I was doing was
making me so much richer than the money I was spending could ever be….mom has
gotten me through the past 2 days and definently the entire last 4 months…ive
talked to her almost every single day, shared every experience, good and bad,
every excitement, fear, worry and tear…..so with mother’s day coming up….thanks
mommy….there is absolutely no, possible. Way. I could have done this with out
you….when we were little you told us we were “robin’s eggs” your baby chicks
that would one day have to fly the coup….and now that I am older, your still
told me i deserved the chance to fly the coup, just now im feeling it in a bit greener style…..
